take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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