Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
