I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
