That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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