why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
