Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
