I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
