I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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