He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
