i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I can't turn off my feet"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
