You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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