I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
