When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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