I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Randomize
