Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
