I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
