i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
