there's paper in my vomit.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
