even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
