I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
