We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
