I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I have feelings that need drinking.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
