what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
