i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
