I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I wish my penis had an off switch
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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