the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
