I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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