I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
