wanna go halves on a baby?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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