I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
