wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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