And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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