He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
