i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
