mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
