so explain again why im purple
no
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
