I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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