is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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