you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
