god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
