There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
