i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
