i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
