seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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