Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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