I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
