Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
my liver is dry heaving
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
