she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
