Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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