he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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