I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My feet surprised me
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
