just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
